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Shoot me now.
Dec. 20th, 2004 07:39 pmI hate beaureaucracy.
I hate banks.
I hate Chase Home Finance.
I hate HUD.
I hate FEMA.
I hate having to fight for everything.
I just want a home of my own, damnit!
Is that too fucking much to ask for?
Mom and Rachel are being emotionally upset over
everything, which I understand, but conversely, Dad and I are being more rational
and unemotional and detached. And that seems to be a sticking point at the moment.
But I guess what's not understood is that I'm only cold and detached and rational on the OUTSIDE.
Because I have to be. Because I can't allow myself to go off on the Loan Agent (who's like Rachel's age.) Because being emotional with the Govt. and Lending agencies will not solve anything or get me results.
But that doesn't mean I'm not FURIOUS. It doesn't mean that I'm not so fucking pissed right now that I want to throw things out windows, destroy furniture, and take a nice 12ga. Shotgun to the nearest Bank One office and just start blowing away.
Unfortunately, at the same time, I'm feeling so despondent that I want to lay down and give up. Because I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of having everything be such an ordeal, just to do simple things. I mean, some days I begin to think that I may have to fill forms out in triplicate just to order a combo meal at McDonald's, complete with security check and credit report..
I don't know what to do right now. It's another "Wait and see" moment. I really hate that phrase, because it seems to be so pre-eminent in my life. Hell, even in this damned journal. Rachel's at her mom's right now because she needed to destress with her mom and be with someone who wasn't emotionally involved in the situation -- she claimed because it's not fair to dump everything all on me.
My mom's so fed up with all of this that she's so pissed off about everything that she can't see that maybe -I- need a hug. And Rachel's at her mom's. But I'm the guy. I'm not supposed to cry. I'm not supposed to be scared. I'm supposed to be strong, and be manly, and provide, and take care of everything and all those other stereotypical neanderthal heterosexual male roles.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
So where do I turn to for a hug? Who gets to tell me that "It'll be okay, you'll see."? All I've got is my computer, and the glow of the tv, as per usual. And of course, even the computer is being cantankerous, now that I've installed a new CPU/Motherboard.
Can I give up yet?
I hate banks.
I hate Chase Home Finance.
I hate HUD.
I hate FEMA.
I hate having to fight for everything.
I just want a home of my own, damnit!
Is that too fucking much to ask for?
Mom and Rachel are being emotionally upset over
everything, which I understand, but conversely, Dad and I are being more rational
and unemotional and detached. And that seems to be a sticking point at the moment.
But I guess what's not understood is that I'm only cold and detached and rational on the OUTSIDE.
Because I have to be. Because I can't allow myself to go off on the Loan Agent (who's like Rachel's age.) Because being emotional with the Govt. and Lending agencies will not solve anything or get me results.
But that doesn't mean I'm not FURIOUS. It doesn't mean that I'm not so fucking pissed right now that I want to throw things out windows, destroy furniture, and take a nice 12ga. Shotgun to the nearest Bank One office and just start blowing away.
Unfortunately, at the same time, I'm feeling so despondent that I want to lay down and give up. Because I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of having everything be such an ordeal, just to do simple things. I mean, some days I begin to think that I may have to fill forms out in triplicate just to order a combo meal at McDonald's, complete with security check and credit report..
I don't know what to do right now. It's another "Wait and see" moment. I really hate that phrase, because it seems to be so pre-eminent in my life. Hell, even in this damned journal. Rachel's at her mom's right now because she needed to destress with her mom and be with someone who wasn't emotionally involved in the situation -- she claimed because it's not fair to dump everything all on me.
My mom's so fed up with all of this that she's so pissed off about everything that she can't see that maybe -I- need a hug. And Rachel's at her mom's. But I'm the guy. I'm not supposed to cry. I'm not supposed to be scared. I'm supposed to be strong, and be manly, and provide, and take care of everything and all those other stereotypical neanderthal heterosexual male roles.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
So where do I turn to for a hug? Who gets to tell me that "It'll be okay, you'll see."? All I've got is my computer, and the glow of the tv, as per usual. And of course, even the computer is being cantankerous, now that I've installed a new CPU/Motherboard.
Can I give up yet?
